We go through everyday situations everyday, and some of these situations we are not proud of. How we dealt with it, how we felt or how we acted. But we cannot change the past. We cannot change the situations because it already happened. However, we can learn from them.
3 Situation I’m Not Proud Of
| Situation | Reasons Why I’m NOT Proud of It. | Feelings About the Situation | What I Can Lean from It |
| Dropping out of High School when I was 16. | 1. I lost 6 months of an education. 2. I made my friends think I was dead | I regret dropping out. I am angry, sad and disappointed in myself | I made up for the 6 months I missed from dropping out. |
| Beating up one of my friends. (high school) | 1. I took my anger from at home and hurt someone I cared about. 2. I almost lost some friends over this. | I feel bad about taking my anger out on my friend. I regret ever doing it. | If I ever get angry do something else or find something calming and relaxing to do. |
| Stealing from my Narc | 1. I took revenge on the narc 2. it’s not who I was/ am | I feel very disappointed in myself. | Even though she took my childhood away, doesn’t mean you should get revenge. It’s not in you nature |
The Biggest Situation I’m Not Proud of
I am not proud of the fact that at the age of 16 I dropped out of high school and became homeless. I did this to myself because, I thought that I was queen shit. I was living with my father at the time and I did what I wanted. I know I was a teenager and teens often think they are the biggest and baddest people around.
The night I said I wanted just to leave my father and I had a fight about homework, so much so that it got to the point that he had choked me, to restrain me and then yelled at me. I don’t know what y’alls are thinking, and I am not a mind reader. But, In my defence because, of the trauma bestowed on me in my early years I had developed one of the worst attitudes in the history of my existence. I needed help with my homework and my father told me that I could do it, and I was just being lazy about it.
That night I was like I am packing my shit and leaving. The next day, I skipped my classes and went to the mall with my friends. I went to school in Milton at that time. I also hung out with the goth kids. Anyways it was a half day and I didn’t go home. I decided to leave around 5pm and I went to Union Station, and got on a train to Sarnia ON.
I turned off my cell phone because I didn’t want my father calling me. So, when I got into Sarnia I went to a hotel for the night, only to find out that, I went over my limit for the card at the time. So I decided that I must find a place to sleep for the night. I ended up sleeping on a casino bus and was woken up by police officers. I thought that this was my Karma for leaving home but, I did not care. I was so set in my ways as a teenager that I thought it was right. Now talking about it, I realize that this was not good.
Anyways, the officers then asked me “do you know that there is an amber alert out for for you?” I know I did this to myself, and I said “No I did not realize that!” and then they said “come with us.” I did cooperatively. The took me to the police station and they talk to the Adoptive father. They then decided that because it was too late I would stay in a motel for the night. I actually planned to have a smoke before bed and then, watch TV. Well, that never happened. I remember what I used to smoke back then like it was yesterday. I smoked export-a blue king sized.
The morning after this happened, I checked out of the motel and I was actually supposed to go home that day but, I didn’t. I didn’t want to so I decided to go to the mall. I bought new clothing for myself and hung out at that mall. I decided it was time I found a job here because, I had decided that I never wanted to go back home. That night, I went to the same hotel and I paid for my room. I did not get much sleep. The next day I called a number for a youth home that I was given when I was at the police station two nights before. I went and I hung out, made some friends and my father told them he wanted me to come home. I was pissed off at that time. So someone drove me to the train station and I bought my ticket. But heres the kicker, only to Guelph because, I still didn’t want to go home.
That night I got on my train and I knew what I wanted at that time. I did not want to go home and I was about to let my father know that. I was 16 and I hated all of my family at the time. Not so much my father now, nor the second younger brother, the rest can go to hell. I’ll tell you why in another blog post.
When I do to Guelph I got off the train, and there he was. My father was so angry and I told him, I don’t want to come home. He said I was too young to be out on my own and I said no I am not. He and I argued, I walked away trying to get away from him and he, followed me. Wherever I went he followed me. I was crying because I was angry. Then my adoptive father Grabbed my arm when we were a minute from another police station. This time in Guelph. He said to me, “here lets see what the police have to say about this.” I said don’t touch me repeatedly. Then a cop who was out of the station looked at us and asked “whats going on?” My adoptive father then said “my daughter thinks she is old enough to be out on her own.” The officer replied “how old are you?” to me. I then said ” I am 16 years old” and then the officer agreed with me.
He said that I was old enough to be on my own and the law state this. He took me to a youth shelter on the basement of a church called change now. That was my choice. Some of you may think this situation was abuse, some will think serves you right and some will be like not abuse, and it was all your fault. I blame myself for this everyday and It’s time for me to forgive myself for being a teenager who thought that the world revolved around her. Let me know what your thoughts are on this situation.
The Question is!
I showed many behaviours going through the situation and I felt bad for most of them for as long as this situations been on my mind. I showed anger and aggression, towards my father because, he had hurt me unintentionally I believe. I was not willing to talk to my father about it twice, and how it made me feel. I showed that, I couldn’t compromise with him and I showed that I was unwilling to even talk to him about what went on.
This situation effected me by making me homeless and it helped me define the person I am today. Even know I was homeless for 6 months it taught me many lessons. I am not proud of this situation because, I was an angry teenager who wanted her way despite the trauma I went through. I was wreck less and ignorant and not a good person, well that’s what I believe to be true because, I’ve been told so most of my life from my parents.
I can use the situation to learn from my mistakes and work out my emotions a little better. I can forgive myself by letting it all go and putting it behind me because, I am not that person I once was. I have changed and I keep making the changes I need to improve my life. I also need to say that I forgive myself for the things I have done. Forgiveness is key always.
It’s important for me to let go of the situation so I can continue on the road to recovery and to embrace myself again.
Reflection:
I would have not left home at 16 and put myself 6 months behind graduating with my friends. I know that I was so angry about how I was treated and I took it out on people, even my friends. I would have changed if I got a second chance but, I can’t go back into time to redue it all. All I can do is learn and move on from this.
Dee
Deejaegh Beck 