Today I am going to answer yesterdays questions for The Biggest Situation or sorry one of the BIGGEST SITUATIONS In which, has helped me shape my life. It helped me realize that life is too short, and I need to start changing, growing and living my life for the now. Now, I have had many near death experiences in my lifetime but this one was the one that helped me shape myself in the present. My journey has been hard and long but, I am at the point now where things are starting to get easier. It’s funny how a near death experience can change your viewpoint on life. It may have landed me back on drugs for a month, but after my grandmother passing, that all changed. I spent about two years trying to be single and yes it gets lonely but, I stuck to my guns and stayed single.
I also was in a state of psychosis for about a year. I believe that getting on meds for the time being was the best choice for me at the time this was Jan 2020. I believe that I have learned a lot about myself and I have opened up many doors for myself as of recently, and I owe it all to myself and the year I spent in the shelter to better myself. I feel terribly bad for what happened that day, and I know that I couldn’t have changed it or even controlled it. That’s my issue right now and I am learning that this situation was out of my control. I am also learning that, It was not my fault and I need to stop blaming myself for being there at the wrong time.
The feelings that I have for this situation now, are guilt and anxiety but; I am learning new things about it daily. So I don’t feel as guilty or anxious with the situation. From time to time, I do but, I feel like it’s just water under the bridge most days. I am grateful that I have learned from this experience, and it’s helped me change. It was really scary to talk about the shooting at first but, not so much right now. I’ve learned that I needed to wake up and smell the roses. I needed to stop being so naive towards many of the situations and investigate what was going on with me and I did. Most importantly I have learned the past is the past and now is now so, why not live it up in the now. We start dying the day we are born so why not live a positive life.
I can definently use this situation to help me recover because, it has lessons that I needed to learn throughout it. One of the lessons that I have learned is to listen to myself even in the most dire situations and not to ignore a bad feeling. It’s also taught me that I needed to change for the better, and it’s taught me to face my fears. These lessons can help me face the Eating Disorder, Anxiety, Depression and PTSD in a positive way. One this situation has taught me and that’s to be kind to myself. I need to stop ignoring my intuition, and what my guts trying to tell me.
One thing that I would like to tell myself in which is, positive would be to never give up; and to not lose faith in yourself. Relapse is a relapse and you need to push past it and forgive yourself. You can learn from a relapse, and move on. It’s ok not to be perfect, no matter what society says about it. Just do you and work on you.
One small step to forgiving myself would be trying to put it behind me and to know it was not my fault. Shit happened’s to everyone. Yes it was traumatic but, it was not your fault. I know this and I still blame myself for it imagine that.
Dee
Deejaegh Beck 