Have you ever moved in somewhere and months down the line you’re like this is no longer working for me? Have you felt that the people who you moved in with are not listening to you when you say you can’t do something because of your mental health? Have you ever been told your mental health is not stressful and you should stop stressing? Well I want to tell you my story and what’s happening with me right in the now. I keep having these panic attacks because, my nephew looks like the son I adopted out 8 years ago. Yes, the two of them look almost identical. However, I remember the incident very clearly and like it was yesterday, even though it was less then a month ago.
I remember the incident because my panic attacks were in full swing and I knew I could not take care of my nephew 3 days a week alone. Lets be realistic here, he looks identical to the son I’ll never know and that was apart of why I started having panic attacks in the first place. I feel like I am taking care of a child in which is not mine and I am being used to do so. I just want to get my shit together and move on but, everything went to shit when I moved into this place. I am trying to thrive here, not just survive and do nothing with my life. That makes no sense, and I have done nothing with my life up until this point in time and I have excepted that fact.
The day in question I was having a severe panic attack and I go to my step-mother and tried telling her that I was having a panic attack because I knew I could not take care of my nephew alone. I wanted too, but I couldn’t because of the crippling panic attacks I was having. I want to make note, that these panic attacks eventually turned into depressive episodes, and I could not do much for weeks on end. The one thing I managed to do was my works website and I pushed myself to watch my nephew a couple of days. But anything else like talking to friends and eating went out the window.
To continue the story, she told me that I could do it and then I said starting to ball tears I don’t think It’s a good idea for me to be taking care of the nephew, and she said back your mental health is not stressful and it’s easy to get out of. That is the closest I can get to the actual conversation. After that my Anxiety started to get worse and then came the depression, all because my step-mother would not listen to what I was trying to tell her. Boy, she must have thought I was trying to get out of it. I was not trying to get out of babysitting 6 Days while she was gone for 2 weeks. The both times, I tried to express this I got guilt tripped and it made be feel bad.
But what she doesn’t realize is Mental Health is stressful and dealing with that situation made it worse for me especially when she did not listen to me. She made me feel bad about having mental health and she made me stress more and more each day. I can’t help being depressed, having major anxiety disorder, getting PTSD because of childhood trauma and having anorexia nervosa because my adoptive mother called me fat, stupid and ugly every time I ate or when my bio mom told me that there were certain things I could not eat. I really can’t help that.
But what I can do is stand up for those going through these challenges everyday and say “hey, this a stigma you are putting on people with mental health.” That’s apart of what I do from day to day. I try and advocate for those who need it the most including myself.
That situations is apart of the reason why I do not trust many people.
Love
Dee
Deejaegh Beck 