I’ve always fount it hard to trust people after dealing with a traumatic childhood. I couldn’t even trust myself either. After going through one thing after another thing with an abusive whether it’s Narcissistic or sexual abuse as a child you stop trusting people even if it’s trusting yourself and you gut instincts. So much so that you stop caring for you or you don’t know how to care for yourself when you start living on your own. I know what that’s like. Not being able to trust others. But then, my collogues showed me something I have never ever been shown.
They showed me that they do care for me and my well-being. I am used to pushing people away from me, even if they are good people and they want to help me. I am currently learning to open up and start trusting not only myself but others as well. So much so, that I get scared and I end up doing the one thing I have wanted to get out of. But then again, after pushing people away from me for so long I have it ingrained in me that I must do this to protect myself. Then I feel really bad about pushing others away and I punish myself over it.
Of course I feel bad for punishing myself for pushing others who are good away. Then I wonder why people stop talking to me or they just run from me. All I want to do right now is trust myself and others around me. I want to have respect for myself and also become more unified within myself. This is why I am writing this and putting this out to the world.
Dee
Deejaegh Beck 